YO ADRIAN
by Draconic Foot Fetish
Summary: Rocky Balboa is an action hero like no other.
1. Chapter 1

Clubber Lang was beating off his muscular dick as ultimate training for the match of a lifetime, when Rocky Balboa burst through his front door wielding a petrified cat which was sharpened into a catblade. Rocky threw the cat through Lang's putrid heart, causing it to spew poison all over Rocky's bony face. Rocky drank this poison, laughed, then tore Lang's heart out just before it stopped beating and ate it.

Lang ripped the cat out of his chest and crushed it into catpowder. He didn't need no "heart" weakshit to kick the fuck out of this flabby stromboli. Lang laughed maniacally as his fists became chainsaws which exploded in contact with Rocky's stupid eye. Rocky turned his fingers into suns and melted Lang's handsaws with them. Lang's rage became liquid nitrogen which put out Rocky's suns, turning his eyebrows into angry tigers made of swords, which flew off of his head and skewered Lang against the wall covered with centerfold pinups Lang fapped to because his heart was too toxic for anyone to love. "Real man" my cunt.

Rocky took flight upon his dreams and went to Australia, where he beat up every kangaroo in the wild for no reason whatsoever. But a challenger arrived. From a spaceship shaped like a vile placenta came a very large hairy earwig named Plctttr, who had a huge umbilical cord slung over his shoulder ending with a scythe-like placenta. The Hemimeran master race had touched down after tens of thousands of years in coldsleep. Rocky had to save the Earth from their genetic superiority.

Plctttr slapped on some boxing gloves. "YOU WANNA GO HUH?" he challenged Rocky to the ultimate match of the galaxy.

Rocky spit on a passing toad. "I don't squash bugs y'know?"

Plctttr hissed. "TOO BAD, WE'RE FIGHTING...NOW!" And he took the first swing, his chitinous fist resonating with Earth-shattering power straight through the glove. Rocky's stupid eye popped right out of his head. He put it in his pocket, to carve up into treats for the animals at the pet shop.

From the unquenchable skies flew Ivan Drago, who killed Plctttr and the rest of the Hemimerans by breathing fire on them, because fire is super effective against bug. Ivan roared, then took off. He laid waste to Fort Knox and stole all the gold within, which he stashed in his frigid mancave. Rocky tossed his boxing gloves aside and withdrew from his wrists swordknuckles, like Captain Kuro crossed with Wolverine. He located Drago's cave by sending psychic waves in binary to the Andromeda Galaxy, who responded in the language of antimatter.

Andromeda sent to Rocky the incredibly beautiful Excelsis Deo Bieber Creed Drago, no relation to Ivan Drago though she'd fucked him and had his babies on her homeworld. Excelsis' eyes were like serene ocean sunrises, her breasts like sun-bathed rolling grassy hills. Rocky immediately fell in love. His heart fluttered like a butterfly on poppers as he knelt before his goddess, who made him her bitch. She was his pimp. She put a collar made of fetish itself around Rocky's throat, which made him hers once and for all.

Adrian hit the scene and started nagging and bitching at Excelsis like the bitch that she was. Excelsis killed the fuck out of Adrian by giving her the hairy eyeball, then rewrote history so Robert Balboa was her and Rocky's son. But she spared herself the horrid memories of the pain of childbirth.

Rocky came to his senses and baked a cookie from the ashes of Apollo Creed, came on the cookie, then shoved it down Excelsis' throat, causing her to make fucked up car noises before exploding in a spray of rainbow unicorn bile. Rocky slathered this bile across his cheeks like warpaint made from John Rambo's blood, then flew using a magic bicycle made from his fallen kangaroo bitches to Ivan Drago's nest.

Drago was snoring like a dolphin on his great pile of pilfered gold, spitting plumes of white flame on each noisy exhale. He was mumbling shit in his sleep about princesses and castles. Rocky withdrew Excalibur, the blade he made from the ashes of Excelsis, and the only weapon capable of slaying the great Drago once and for all. With a shield made of boxer shorts strapped to his other arm, Rocky was ready to save the world.

Rocky charged in screaming, but Drago awoke quickly and dodged his Excalibur swing just in time. Drago roared, then loosed a massive plume of pure white flame at Rocky, who blocked it with his shield, but the shield exploded. Drago flew after him, aiming to bite his heart out. Rocky took his head off then tossed it like a boomerang, missing Drago intentionally on the initial throw but striking him to the ground on the rebound. Rocky's head flew back and reattached to his neck. Wasting no time, Rocky swooped down upon the dazed Drago and brought the great southpaw Excalibur down upon his chest, straight through his heart, a heart blacker than Clubber Lang's. From Ivan Drago's chest flew a final plume of flame, which ignited the entire cave and threatened to burn Rocky alive if he ddn't split immediately. The gold would be melted into a Rocky statue, which many, many bats would get laid on.

Without this gold in Fort Knox though, the US would be fucked, like a stripper in a room full of pheremone-spiked fuckbots. Rocky had to retrieve the statue, but it was guarded by fifty and seventy trillion bats. But these weren't just regular bats. They were dragonbats. The dragonbats united and froze the Earth in a permanent timelock. Rocky was tired. He took a nap.


	2. Chapter 2

Rocky awoke to the sound of him shitting himself. He was so surprised, the socket where his stupid eye once was spawned a new eye with no vision loss, and his eyebrows returned from the tiger dimension. But half of his face fell off. He replaced it with clay forged from the corpses of the mud demons.

Rocky wiped his ass on Apollo Creed's mustache then put on Adrian's underpants, wearing nothing else. It was the only way he would have a shot at defeating the dragonbat menace. He roared like a menstrual motorcycle as he charged full-body into the dragonbat cave, obliterating the fuck out of it and making every dragonbat explode as well, which made the golden statue sing profanities which made even 8mm film cringe in fear.

The singing summoned the ghost of Mickey, who came to train Rocky for the dragonbat raid.

"But Mickey, I slayed the dragonbats already."

"But really why even slap fuck cockroach ponies if whenever do we dongle, kaiju nerfboards doodle don dongs?"

Rocky pondered Mickey's insight. He spoke in a voice normally reserved for the archangels.

"Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?"

Enraged by Rocky's flawless memory, Mickey's phantasmic head lifted right off his neck, then spun; as it picked up speed, it began flinging barbed hot dogs from the tear ducts of the vacant, glowing orbs which bore semblance to eyes. Rocky was pegged to the golden statue by these spiky dogs, which emitted a poisonous odor. Rocky inhaled this stench. He died, and became as Mickey: a ghoul who speaks in tongues which make even the profanities of the golden statue cower in absolute terror. But there is one thing which the ghost language fears: those whose names are puns. From the ectoplasmic morning mist came Tommy Gunn, and Mason Dixon. Dixon and Gunn engaged in a violent war over who can eat the other as the ghosts of the dragonbats sang in ecstatic chorus in the ghoulish haze.


End file.
